This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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