i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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