My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You're breaking my sexual little heart
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
