new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
