My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
