1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
