I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Boobs speak an international language.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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