im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Randomize
