You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
