you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
