you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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