then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
