I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
