There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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