just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize