Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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