got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
