You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
