they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
