it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
whose ass print is on the piano?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
