i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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