no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
