Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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