People with herpes should wear stickers.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize