I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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