even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
