saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
