oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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