Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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