I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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