porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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