You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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