he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
