You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
