I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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