I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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