The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
