the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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