If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
