My liver just broke up with me...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
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