I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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