god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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