Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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