there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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