My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
