Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
