it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
