please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
