Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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