Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
