I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How does it feel to date your dad?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
