Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I cut my penus on the lid.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
