On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize