and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
