About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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