Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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