anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
