I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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