Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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